Dog

As Jo and KMFE walked by the dog it growled and then started barking. This made KMFE nervous because it was dark and he couldn't tell if there was a fence. But the dog didn't come any closer. KMFE: I feel sorry for that dog. Jo: Yeah, he's all alone outside at night. KMFE: It's more than that. Here he's got this territorial instinct. He doesn't know where it came from or what it's for. He probably doesn't know many other dogs, he's lived around humans, who act and think differently then him. Now he's alone, bored, neglected, and this instinct surfaces, because he sees us, and he barks as loud as he can, and he keeps barking, it's the only thing that's happened all day, or else it's all been more just like this, nothing really purposeful to do, just letting some phantom desire fill the void. Jo: You make it sound so miserable. All dogs bark when people walk by. Or at least most do. KMFE: That doesn't mean they're not all bothered by it. Imagine if you grew up around dogs, and you still reacted to some things the way a human would, but you didn't know why, and no one else understood. And anyway I don't like the tone of his barking. It's not just that he's barking, it's the feeling in his voice. Jo: It's a dog, KMFE. You can't treat it like a human voice. There are different rules. KMFE: But... listen. It's still going on. They approached another dog and the same process started. KMFE: Maybe now they'll be barking at each other. It will give them something to do. Jo: Do you think they've ever met? KMFE: I don't know. At least they know about each other. When they were well past the dogs Jo asked Jo: So do you think going out with PL was a complete mistake, and you completely regret it? KMFE: I don't know. Sometimes I think I underestimate how cynical I used to be before I met PL. Jo: What does that have to do with anything? KMFE: Well I sometimes think PL made me cynical Jo: I think everyone gets cynical with time KMFE: That is the kind of generalization I do not like Jo: Why not? It's true KMFE: Supposing I killed you and said "well, everyone dies with time" Jo: That's not the same thing at all KMFE: There's a difference between something happening eventually and happening now. And there's still a right time and a right way for things. Learning how the world sucks is always hard, but there are nicer ways to do it. Jo: Arguably PL is not the world. KMFE had to think about that for awhile. Because it really was true. PL is not the world. But it didn't help him understand things. Eventually he gave it a shot. KMFE: See, the issue is, when I get to know other people well, I start to see elements of PL. That bothers me, because it reminds me of horrible things. Maybe I wouldn't be reminded of bad things if it hadn't been for PL. Jo: What kinds of things? KMFE: Well, I don't know how to say this without making it sound petty. But PL had a funny way with truth. She... was very comfortable interpreting things differently depending on how you want to. Like there are many situations that are sort of open to interpretation, and she'd explain herself one way to one person, and another way to another person, and really believe that both were correct. Jo: Well you succeeded in describing that one with no specific words. KMFE: Oh man, it's just, I don't know, I think the worst of it I'd rather not remember. Jo: That really doesn't sound like the kind of thing that'd be scary enough to block out. She bent the truth a little bit; people do that. Maybe she was a little dishonest, but that happens. KMFE: But... it can matter. A lot. It seems so silly now that I'm out of it. But when I really want to trust her, to the point that I do trust her, and then my trust keeps getting betrayed. And they way I so want to trust her that I am never OK with just not believing her -- I have to argue, and try and make her change her mind. Because what she says and thinks matters so much. Jo: But... just that she stretches ambiguous situations a little? Is that really something to argue over? KMFE: Oh I don't know. That's... what I remember describing to myself before. Or to her. See a lot of this I don't remember the incidents. I just remember how I analyzed them. And it did seem really terrible, at the time. If it doesn't seem terrible now, it's either because the emotion and the power of the situation is gone, or because there is a key detail I am leaving out. I remember what I felt, not why I felt it. Jo: I guess I'll have to trust you. But you can see why I don't like taking your word on this. You've already reached the conclusion, and you can expect me to take it on faith, but I can't use the examples you provide to justify it. KMFE: You caught on pretty fast. Jo: I take it that's one of the things that bothered you about PL? KMFE: It was a struggle for interpretation. As in, we have some anachronistic, enigmatic evidence, not good for proving anything. Now which one of us gets to decide how to interpret it? Jo: It seems at that point you should just admit that you don't know. KMFE: Oh but we thought we knew. Oh we'd talk for hours analyzing our feelings and saying what led to what and how it could be different. And we thought we could really know that kind of thing. Jo: For you, it seems just silly that you'd understand a social situation. KMFE: Thanks, Jo. But PL was really, when you look at it, just as clueless. We were caught up with this delusion that we could talk about stuff and know what we were talking about. It was all so awful.